i

really miss talking to you. imiss how much you made me smile. imiss how much you made me laugh. imiss getting on facebook and you IMing me instantly typing my name in all caps. imiss your advice. imiss the way you used to calm me down when iwas breaking down. imiss you telling me everything about your day. imiss how you used to lick my face through the computer. imiss virtually giving you a redbull. imiss you.

ive been breaking down and your no longer there to talk to. ialmost slipped the other day. and smoked a whole pack. idont blame it on you.. so dont worryyy. ireally wish the stupid fucking ocean wasnt in my way or iwould fly over to you on my private jet plane. ihope everything is alright with you.

theres this absence there that never used to be there. ijust want it to go away!

we

listen to the same moosssiiccc. we dress alike. we taught each other what the true meaning of love is. we have awkward conversations, we have happy conversations, we have the type of conversation where ijust get butterflies in my stomach. we were so attached, we were connected at the hip. we are unconditionally​ and uncontrollably in love with each other.

but as time goes on we learn we will never be together. we both are going our seperate ways. my single lead life and your new girlfriend every two weeks life.


iwill always love you and care for you. but its time for me to move on and realize iwill never be with you. ineed some time to think. ineed some time to let go. ineed time to calculate all of this in my head. just give me that time. ipromise you wont regret it.

ilove you, and good night!

To Write Love On Her Arms: My Story!

ifound out about To Write Love On Her Arms through a couple of friends about a year ago. At the time iwas struggling with the loss of many of my friends. most of them lost their life to addiction and suicide. iwas so filled with emotion icould just crack. it hurt so badly inside to know that the people iloved ever so much were gone, to know iwould never see them again. ididnt know how to deal with the pain so istarted popping my mums pain killers and sleeping for hours, sometimes for days. istarted smoking pot after someone told me it was a get away without actually leaving. isoon had started thinking about suicide. it just seemed like the drugs werent helping and iwas afraid of death even though ididnt want to live anymore. thats when ibrought back an old habit and started to self inflict injury's upon myself again. within two weeks my arms and legs were covered in cuts and scars. for about two months the same routine would happen. iwould wake up in the morning crying, slice my wrist. go to school wearing long sleeves and jackets to cover my wounds. iwould then come home from school still upset over something...everything, then slicing my arm/leg again just watching as the blood would poor. watching my pain leave from my body. ijust felt so alone feeling as if there was no one to talk to. ijust felt like dying.

about six months in of suffering from depression, cutting myself, going in and out of therapy not being able to find the right counselor is when iheard my friends talking about TWLOHA. after hearing about it iwent and looked it up on the social networking site everyone knows: myspace. iread the story which sounded similar in a way to my own. then seeing it spread through music, bands that ihad listened to. irealized then that iwasnt the only one that was going through this. iwasnt the only one suffering with self injury and depression. ifinally was able to open up and start a conversation telling my feelings to someone else. at that point in time ino longer felt alone.

TWLOHA gave me that sign of hope. it showed me i'm not alone in this. that there is a way out. there is a way of coming clean. ifeel that without TWLOHA iprobably would have already committed suicide or OD'd on drugs. istill suffer a little bit with depression but iam no longer cutting myself and ino longer have thoughts of suicide!

TWLOHA helped me, it can help you to.

become apart of the movement. start a conversation! (:

LOVE is the MOVEMENT!

GUESSSS WHOS BACK!

im finally backkkkkk! my life is finally back together. everything is going great! iwill be updating daily (hopefully). iam really looking forward to writing again! this should be interesting!

THIS IS AN IMPORTANT BLOG!

I AM TAKING A BREAK FROM BLOGGING FOR A WHILE DUE TO SOMETHINGS THAT CAME UP ABOUT IT. THEY UPSET SOMEONE THAT IS VERY DEAR TO ME AND I DON'T ENJOY SEEING HER LIKE THAT. THEREFORE IM LEAVING BLOGSPOT. I DONT KNOW FOR HOW LONG OR FOR GOOD! BUT FOR NOW THERE WILL BE NO MORE POSTS UNTIL I FEEL ITS RIGHT FOR ME TO COME BACK.

I WILL BE UPDATING MY TWITTER, MYSPACE, AND FACEBOOK DAILY THOUGH. SO IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHATS GOING ON JUST LOOK AT THOSE PAGES.

MYSPACE.COM/JAIMIESONMYSPACE

FACEBOOK: JAYMAE-MARIE JARLSON

AND MY TWITTER LINK IS ON BOTH OF THOSE PAGES.

ALSO IF YOU KNOW ME PERSONALLY YOU SHOULD HAVE MY AIM.

SO JUST SEND ME AN INSTANT MESSAGE!

i thought

i had a lil bit of everything. a lil bit of love. a lil bit of care. a bestfriend. a girlfriend who loves me. 6 brothers who adore me. but i dont.
yes, christofer, stefan, aria, alec, nick, and grant still love and adore me. i mean come on now. they be my brothers. but i have no idea to anything anymore. today was what seemed to be the worst day ever. not the worst day of my life because thats a different day. thats april 14th, 2006. but it was just to me a worst day to experience. it was suppose to be good, picture day and all. all of you knowing i love being in front of the camera. but it wasnt. in second period i went out of class to get a drink of water. as im walking back to class a campus advisor stops me. yells at me that "I HAD DRESSCODE". what the fuck, seriously i was wearing a tank top. it was grey. apparently it was see through. i yelled at the lady in SRC and said if you dont want to see my bra straps i sure as hell dont want to see yours. she was wearing a tank to and i def could see the straps. EW! because of the viruses and what not going around i refused to wear one of their smelly shirts and not to mention IT WAS PICTURE DAY. i wouldnt be caught dead wearing that shirt they wanted me to wear. it was nasty. so i had to sit in ISS for three periods cause i yelled at the lady and i had to wait for me mum to bring me a shirt. when mum got there she bitched out the lady to because when she was looking for the room to find me at she saw a girl walk out of the main office wearing a tank top as well. but yet im the one who got dresscode.
you think that was bad it only got worse. after i got my shirt and went back to class it was time for the stupid pictures that i didnt want to take cause i was in a bad mood. obviously they looked like crap. and they are going in the yearbook. WTF.
when i got home i was told that my "bestfriend" thought that i had made new bestfriends so she felt unneeded. which is bullcrap but whatever. apparently im not allowed to have more than one best friend. or in general other friends to hang out with. FUCK BESTFRIENDS! I JUST HAVE FRIENDS NOW BECAUSE IM NOT DEALING WITH THE ARGUING ANYMORE!
i hit my boiling point today. i came home, grabbed the razor, and slit my rist open about five times. watched as the blood poored from my arm to the ground. i cried my eyes out and asked why does this have to happen to me. it hurts so bad at first, but the pain is releaved by the cut. i want jacob, anna, travis, tyler, ian, sam, patrick, jawsh, adam, dannie, jackypoo, and jake to be back here. i miss them so much and it hurts so badly inside. they were the ones that helped me through these problems even though they had problems of their own. i cant seem to do this on my own anymore. i cant seem to get better. IM A FREAK! AND A CRAZY! as people call it. but i dont know how long i can take it until i snap and theres no turning back.


jaimieJUSTIFIED

i miss

my girlfriend.


kate i dont understand this feeling.
it feels so weird inside. im not gonna
say that i havent missed anyone as
much as you before because thats not
true. and im not going to say i havent
felt this weird feeling before because i have.
you know that feeling of absentness. like
the feeling that you were just with that person
and now they are no where to be found.
that feeling that your drifting away from
the person you love so much's feelings. like
that feeling that this cant be happening because
you were just sitting in my lap holding me .
i really miss you kate and i want you next to me.

p.s. i didnt mean to make it sound like you died. o.O
it just turned out that way. ha. MY BAD!


jaimieJUSTIFIED

the yellow tunnel in the park.

im feeling so sick inside. my medicine isnt helping anymore. i need help! theres no one here to help me anymore. i crawled out my window last night and went to a local park. it was like 1 in the morning. i smoked three packs, slit my wrists and cried myself to sleep for about three hours. after that i woke up were i was laying in the yellow tunnel next to a swing set. i knew what had happened. i looked at my right arm. i saw the cuts and ran one finger over them. i peeled away at the dry blood and then looked up at the sky. i dont know whats happening. i once was so happy but now im questioning everything. whats god's plan for me on earth? whats with these thoughts of sadness running through my head? why am i still here, living? is this what im suppose to be doing? is this where im suppose to be?
i shouldnt be questioning everything but sadly i do. i put my jacket back on after taking it off to use it as a pillow and then i walk back home. no one realized i had left, hell no one was home yet. i crawl back through my window and checked the caller id. no one had called. i guess thats a good thing because i didnt need people worring about me. i poured a glass of vodka and orange juice. i chugged it like it was nothing. like there was no distinct burning running down my throat. then i went back to my room and layed on my bed. i layed on something lumpy. so i reached under my stomach and found the teddy bear that jacob gave to me the valentines day of the year he died. i threw it across the room. i think it hit a wall but i wasnt even paying the slightest bit of attention to notice. tears start rolling down my face again. i get back up and make another drink, then go outside and have another smoke. when i was done i went back to my room. dropped the glass on the table next to my bed. then fell on my bed and went to sleep.

and thats just how my night ended. first time its happened since the grams thing moved out.


jaimieJUSTIFIED

i shall

cry myself to sleep tonight
as thoughts of him and me
in his arms comes rushing
back to me. the teddy bear
he gave me for valentines day
the feburary before he died
still lays on the pillow next to
my head at night. if only he
knew how much i missed him.
he went home though. and i
wish i could go home to. so then
i could stop worring about earth and
start worring about eternity.


p.s. boobear, when pastor tom mentioned
eternity tonight all i could think about was
you and how you told me that one day we
will be together again and thats when we
will be together for eternity. :/


jaimieJUSTIFIED

baby you don't understand.

its started the end of freshman year. In about feburary 2009 I started talking to this one boy. he was the first boy i had talked to since the whole Devinn insident. after Devinn i never thought i would find another person that i truely cared about or had feelings for. but then i met this boy, he knows who he is. it started as a myspace thing. being the little myspace whore that i once was, i would add just about everyone i possibly could just to get my friend count up. he started as one of those people. a person who meant nothing and who i added just to have more friends. but he was different than everyone else i was adding. he actually commented me and said hullo. he actually started a freaking conversation. he seemed so sweet with his flirtatious words. we held one conversation for about three months until he finally got the nerve to ask for my number to hear my "gorgeous voice" as he called it. i gave in, of course and gave it to him. he told me he would call me later that night and i said okay. i sat and awaited his call even though somewhere in my confused little head i had a feeling he wouldnt. but then the phone rang and sure enough it was him. for some reason a big smile swept over my face and this weird feeling was in the pit of my stomach. we talked for a while. honestly about nothing but it was amusing. after that night he called every single night, at the same time, for a month and a half straight. we grew closer. and it came down to the point where something we never thought would happen did. we grew emotional feelings for each other. "we loved each other" we told each other our deepest darkest secerts. we had so much in common. but he was so stubborn and i was so needy. i needed to know that he meant everything he said. heck i needed to know what was going on inside his head that he never seemed to tell me. he just couldnt put the words together to tell me. then one night our phone call ended short. he was in such a state he wouldnt talk to me. i asked him what was wrong, several times. i got no response. like i said, he was stubborn. i finally got to the point where i was like "call me when your in a better mood and want to talk, goodbye for now." later that night he let his true feelings out. i had no idea how much emotion was going through his head. he slit his wrists that night. he just couldnt take it anymore. and thats how he let his pain go. after he was done with that and cleaned up his mess, then relaxed for a little bit he wrote a poem. he said how he just wanted to be perfect, perfect for us. hun, i dont ask for perfect. i never have and i never will. i liked you for you. i was willing to accept you for the state that you were in. you didnt have to be perfect. he said how he wanted me in his arms and it was a dream he had. i remember him telling me how i was in a dream of his. but he thought it was silly and never would tell me. then he finally did and i didnt think it was silly. it made me smile, honestly. he asked for me to make his dream come true and that he would prove his love for me. he said i was his everything and that it was true and he meant it. he wanted me to so badly make his dream come true. "he's drop all for me. he's do anything for me. he just wanted me to be his."

but then a little thing called JAY GETTING IN TROUBLE AND HIM NOT BEING ABLE TO VISIT ME BECAUSE I WAS GROUNDED. yeah that little thing got in the way. and not only that the whole two months i was grounded i wasnt allowed to talk to him. we slowly drifted apart. it was something at the time i didnt want to happen. but now that i look back on it, i guess we all knew it was going to happen. i will never forget the words he said to me. i will never forget our 5 hour phone conversations every night. i loved how he made it a point to call me every night. it didnt matter what time it was. i did have issues going on at home and it seemed that through every rough day i had at the end of it, he made me feel so much better. well im writing this to let you know that even though we arent as close anymore. i will still love you. and im still here for you to talk to. because like you said im not like any other girl out there. i'll actually listen to you and not label the things you do or judge you for something in your past. but ummmm yeah. good night. and sweet dreams.


jaimieJUSTIFIED

if you just understood my sadness,

i miss jacob so much. i want him here to hold me tight. to make me feel like nothing else existed. the memories i shared with him arent ones that can be discussed with just anyone unless you were there(christofer and stefan). they are memories that are forever stowed away in my mind. i remember the night he died so clearly. almost like it was yesterday. i just cant imagine that this has happened. it seems that everything i do or everything i say just reminds me of him. i want him to be sitting here on my bed next to me like the good ol' days. the days where everything felt perfect even though no one knows what that means. when i was with jacob it was almost like i did know what perfect meant or the meaning of true love. yeah i may of still been so young but like people say you dont know what love is until you dont want to go to sleep at night because your reality is finally better than your dreams. but you know what, even though hes gone and all i want is to be in my dreams where he is every night, i dont. because my dreams always turn into night mares where im tossing and turning or break out in a cold sweat. i would rather just be awake where everything isnt right or everything is sad than to be stuck in place that feels like you cant escape. i dont even know what im doing anymore. i dont even know these feelings that im feeling anymore. i dont know what is true anymore and i dont know where my heart is taking me. im lost in this world along with the 6 other billion people in it. i dont even know if i want to exist anymore. becuase like they say to live, to die, then spend eternity with the ones you lost. i wish that life would hurry already so i can be apart of the eternity.


jaimieJUSTIFIED

my crazy night. and a little scary.

what im about to write are a true series of events and they were my true emotions at the time. but i have you know that i am fine now. there is nothing wrong and im not thinking this way. i took my medicine and everything is better. it was 1:13am when i wrote this therefore the medicine had worn off. but i was technically suppose to be asleep so nothing bad could possibly happen. this is just a WARNING!!!!!

what am i in this world but a fuck up. i screw up everything thats good in my life. my mom doesnt trust me anymore. my grandmother thinks im a liar and a stealer. they think im worthless. my dad obviously doesnt like me either thats why he picks up and leaves. i have no friends because i drive them away with how pathetic i am. i just wish i didnt exist anymore. i so badly just want to make that nuse and tie it to a tree branch and hang myself. im tired of the judgements people throw at me. the rude comments i hear everyday because of how i look or how i think. the razor marks on my arms that multiply by the day show that. i dont want your words. i dont want you to care for me. im not wothe it. you would just be wasting your time. so you want to know what brings this sob story on.

its called the thing living across the hall from me getting drunk as usual. except this time instead of me finding her passed out in bed i find her lying on the ground on my front porch, unable to function properly. if it wasnt for me have this sudden qwench of thirst and going to get water from the kitchen she probably would still be there. when i was on my way to the kitchen i had noticed that the front door wasnt closed all the way. so thats when i walked over to close it and saw her there. i quickly ran and got my mom and im pretty sure thats the quickest i have ever seen her jump out of bed. she runs to the door and goes outside to help her get up. my mom looked like she was having trouble because my grandmother wasnt helping much. so i ask my mom if she needs help getting her up. my grandmother yells for me to get away. she obviously was still mad for earlier in the night when she told me to get off the phone and i didnt because it was only eleven. but to an old lady whos sixty years old, eleven is late. then my mom gets her to her feet and walks her to her room. when they get in there my mom puts her on the bed and is like "ma, what the hell. when jay sees you liek this its just gonna want to make her go out and do stupid shit like this." she responds on how she cant take this anymore. and my mom was like shes a teenager shes not in school shes allowed to be on the phone so dont worry about what shes doing and worry about yourself. she told my mom that i have been stealing money from her, which is NOT true. i just think to myself how much of a fuck up i am that people would say shit like that. and it doesnt matter that she was drunk because statistics say that most of the time your true feelings come out when your drunk. she is constantly bitching at me or about me to other people. everyone hates me and doesnt wish to help me in my time of need. when i need them the most. a family is suppose to stick by you through thick and thin no matter what. but not mine they are to busy and caught up in other things or hating me, so they could careless. they dont realize that mentally i am sick and getting worse. I NEED HELP! but no one listens, no one cares.




once again, i already have the help i need and i am taking my so called happy pills. i am fine and dont need your pitty to my story. just read it and know that im not the only one who suffers with these in home problems. its a world wide thing that teens deal with. depression, thoughts of suicide, self injury. and its not just teens its adults to. if you notice these signs from a friend or yourself please dont avoid it. get help! and remember, your not alone.



jaimieJUSTIFIED

dreamz at one in the morning!

i try to hold back. hold back these thoughts of sadness. is there any hope left for me to find. i go to the park today and see you there. see you there sitting on a swing. your all alone and im left to ask myself why? why do you sit there on that swing in this abandand park? its like a desert field out here. that swing you sit upon hasnt seen a child's bum in ages. i would know, i used to come here everyday after school but its been awhile. i know why im here, but why are you? all these questions race through my mind so fast its hard to calculate it all. i look down to my old rundown shoes. yeah the ones with all those holes in them. they barely cover my feet but i still wear them because they remind me of you and the times we used to share. i return my sight to you on the swing, your gone. you must of moved when i looked down at my destroyed shoes. i look around to see where you might have gone. your no where to be found. the next thing i know your tapping my shoulder with two fingers from behind. it scares me so i jump in fright as i turn around. you ask, "have you been thinking about me lately? like you promised you always would. have i been in your dreams lately? like you promised i always would." i look into your crystal blue eyes. i must not lie to you as i shake my head and whisper that two letter word i thought i'd never say to you, no. you reach for me with one arm and place it on my shoulder. you look down at the ground then return your beautiful crystal blue eyes to my big brown ones. in a soft voice you say its okay and that i must move on from those thoughts that once meant the world to me. its time for you to let go. you move your hand from my shoulder down to my hand and intertwein your fingers in mine. you take a step closer. i hesitate and take a step back. you look back down at my destroyed shoes and whisper its okay. once again you take one step closer and this time i dont hesitate. instead i take another step closer and place my head against your chest. all i can think to myself at this point is..... can this possibly be real. can this be happening to me right now? have you returned to me? i breathe in the scent of your cologne. i miss that scent so much. i remove my head from your chest and look up and back into your eyes. you look down at me and whisper i will forever love you but its time for you to let go. don't forget me just let go. and then you simply fade away. right out of my arms. im left standing alone in an abandoned park. the very park we used to play in when we were kids. i start thinking again. did all this really just happen. jacob on the swing then the next thing i know my head against his chest breathing in the scent of his cologne. it cant be, it wasnt. all it was, was a figment of my imagination. i miss him so badly im no longer sane. i walk to the swing that imaginary jacob was sitting in. i sit down and start kicking my feet in the dirt. then my mind fades off in the distance and probably will never return. the next thing i know the doctor appears in the park. he has come to get me and bring me back to the hospital where they will give me medicine and five minutes later all my thoughts of the past will be lost. and thats how my sad story ends.

jaimieJUSTIFIED

life isnt what its cracked up to be!

i remember that day so clearly. its a frequent thought in my mind, always racing at the speed of light. it kills me inside, i just want to forget.

it started just as any other day, april 14, 2006. i wake up, i eat breakfast, i await to hear from him. today was the day. it was suppose to be the happiest day of my life. after a couple hours though i didnt hear from him. i assumed that something had just come up. that i would just hear from him later on. but never was i ready for what was later on to come.

christofer called in complete panic. he wouldnt tell me what was going on. he just said,"grab a jacket, vans, and your backpack, and meet me outside. i'll be there in like two seconds." i do just that and meet him outside. he shows up to minutes later and i get in the car. i ask whats going on, there is no answer. so i just sit and wait as he speeds down the road. an hour goes by of sitting in the car, complete silence. then next thing i know we are pulling into halifax hospital. thats when i start freaking out. i demand to know whats going on. why are we here. still no reply. he rushes out of the car and walks towards the enterance. i get out of the car grab my jacket and bag. then i stop after getting out of the car and i yell to him. "CHRISTOFER, JUST STOP FOR ONE SECOND AND TELL ME WHATS GOING ON!" he does because he didnt need me yelling. he turns around rubs his mouth then walks back to me. he bends down eye level to me and grabs my arms. he looks at me and i know its bad. i didnt even know what to expect. he says the one thing i didnt want him to say. "jaimie, its jacob." my eyes swell up instantly. then the tears start pouring down my face. he rubs the tears off my cheek with his jacket sleeve. i stop crying and ask "what about jacob?" his response, "hes been in a really bad car accident. we need to get inside right now." before we go i say to him just promise me everything is going to be alright. that nothing bad is going to happen. he says nothing, grabs my hand and leads me to the door. we go straight to the elevator, its all silent again. so many thoughts are rushing through my head. we get up to his floor and everyone is waiting in the lobby. i ask has anyone seen him yet. does anyone know how hes doing. Alec responds, "he doesnt want to see anyone, but you." i was like okay. i go to the door. i hesitate to open it then look behind my shoulder. chris nods to go in. when i get in the room i shut the door behind me. i see Jacob just laying there in the hospital bed. he was hooked up to all these machines. i so badly just wanted to run up to him but my legs just werent moving. he opens his eyes and sees me. he tells me to come closer. i walk like two steps closer. i was so scared. he was like no silly, come over here. so i smiled because it seemed that everytime he spoke it just gave me butterflies. i go up next to the bed and grab his hand. he sqweezes it. i sqweeze back. he scooted over and then i knew he wanted me to lay next to him. i take my backpack off and climb up on the bed. he puts his arm around me and just holds me. he whispers in my ear, "i love you!" and i knew he actually meant it. i smile and whisper it back. then i asked the one question i was dying to know. i just wanted to know that everything was going to be alright. i whispered to him, "please jacob jsut tell me everything is going to be alright." once again i get no response to that particular question. he just holds me tight and i play with the hospital band on his arm. four hours goes by before i heard another word from him. i didnt bother looking back the whole time he was holding me because i knew i would just cry. a doctor comes in and jacob whispers in my ear once more. "its time babygirl." im wondering to myself what he means by that. he says,"but i have you know that one day we will spend eternity together. and i promise that with all my aching heart that i have left that i will never leave you. don't worry i will be watching over you. i truely always did love you. and cheer up dont cry just promise to dream about me tonight." i turn to him, tears rolling down my face. "i promise you, i will dream about you tonight. i will dream about you everynight. i love you boobear." he smiles and kisses me. then responds, "goodbye.......babygirl" i cry and watch as jacob looks at the doctor and nods. she turns the switch and hes gone. i put my hand over his eyes and close them. i just lay there and cry and hold his arm. an hour goes by until i go out into the lobby. i go out with my head down and my backpack in my hand. i look up, drop my backpack, and run up to christofer sobbing in his jacket. he knew by the way i reacted that jacob was gone. he just holds me and says everything is going to be alright promise. alec, nick, and stefan walk up and hold us and put there arms on our shoulders.

the day that was suppose to be the happiest day of my life turned out to be the saddest. and it hurts looking back on it. i lost the love of my life due to a car accident which triggered a heart defect. i miss jacob everyday but the only thing i can do is grow from this tragedy. and thats just what i have done.

RIP Dominic Jacob Hubble.
August 1, 1989 to April 14, 2006


jaimieJUSTIFIED

sterotypes and judgements.

i dont understand why people judge other people even me by what they see us wearing or what moosicccc we are listening to or what brand t-shirt we're wearing. i dont understand this. people dont even know anything about other people and just go off of what they see on myspace or in person. well the sterotypes and judgements need to stop. dont label someone until you know them and even then you shouldnt be labeling them. cause if you dont realize it words hurt. i have four friends that committed suicide because of peoples judgements towards them. so what they are gay. so what they listen to hardcore music. so what they spike there hair, wear extensions. so what guys wear skinny jeans and tight t's. SO FUCKING WHAT! your words can be very ofending and hurtful. your words can lead to people committing suicide or self injury. so stop and think before you say something. you hate the way that girls hair looks or you think that guy in the mall is a poser, keep it to yourself. cause all they are doing is having fun with life and being themselves. whether they're gay and would prefer kissing guys or they wear tight jeans because they like the fit. or that girl wants to wear extensions or dye her hair mulitple colors. it doesnt matter what people look like so stop judging everyone.

what if you were the one people were judging and calling names. what if you were the one in that band that you thought sucked. what if you were the gay one or the one with fake hair. how would you feel then if people were throwing judgements at you or sterotyping you and throwing you in a category. what then?


jaimieJUSTIFIED

a day in a life of jaimieJUSTIFIED,

two days ago my mum came home from work. i was in such a gret mood that day it was kinda weird. well anywho, she told me she was around the corner to come outside and i was like pshh ohk. well i grabbed my purse and went outside, she pulls in i get in the car. we go up to walgreens fill a perscription and iget new eyeliner and nail polish. grr i have needed those two things for like a week now. becuase i have been out. then we drove back up to sonic i got a cherry limeaide and come to find that brandon asked for his job back. it made me laugh.

ohk well lets move forward in time to yesturday August 12, 2009.

i got up in the morning and got ready. we then went up to publix to get vitamin water. and then we headed up to Pine Ridge to go and get my schedule. bleh honors classes bore me. but im lazy so it works out for the better. oh and not to mention if i keep my grades up all next year i am going to be able to take classes next summer at Daytona State for cosmetology. WOOT! so happy. it gives me a reason to keep my grades up.
well after that we went to IOA. it was fun i havent been there in like forever. after that we went to Kohl's and pacsun so i could get more vnecks and skinnies. then we went to this chinese place so i could have sushi. it was really good and im happy. i have been craving sushi for like two weeks now. i guess i really tired myself out though because i actually went to bed and was able to stay asleep. bleh but it turned out i woke up at 4am. gosh if only my sleep pattern could stay on like a tracked schedule.


jaimieJUSTIFIED

OHEMGEE

like seriously is it fucking possible to not be a bitch. just for one minute can you not hate me. just for one second can you not be drunk and reconize what your fucking muttering under your breath. im not some 90 year old woman who is deaf and cant here you. like WHAT THE FUCK. what did i possibly do to her kill her, stab her in the throat like seriously what did i do that could make her hate me so much. absolutely nothing. im just a teen and she hates life and those two things dont go with each other like cheese doesnt go with peanut butter or fuck idk atm. its just so irritating.



jaimieJUSTIFIED

WTF. shes such a bitch.

i have insomnia right. so i would love it that when i actually tryed to get sleep that it wouldnt slam her fucking door at 2:30 in the morning and wake me up. when little things like that wake me up. GRAWR! now i prob wont fall asleep until later this evening. and i fucking have to work later. cutting hair is not a good thing to do when your half asleep. and it sucks because now that im awake i have nothing to do.

im just going to sit on the computer til god knows when and piss her off. i mean WHY THE HELL NOT, right. ha.


jaimieJUSTIFIED

insomnia,

alright so heres the thing. i have insomnia, right. so to me things are more peaceful at night. well they always used to be.

so heres the story because theres a story to everything in my crazy driven life.
everything in my life was fine. insomnia never took over. it never really bothered me because i enjoyed being awake. but since November 2008 all i want to do is sleep. the night pretty much scares me now. its funny how the one thing in your life that used to be so peaceful can become the most scariest thing alive. its almost like a nightmare. now you see in november a little thing called my mum's mother going broke and having to move in with us happened. sure it was all fine at first. it bothered me because what teenager in there right mind wants to live with there grandmother. but other than that it was ohk.

well theres a tiny little problem to it all. my mum's mother is a drunk. now your probably wondering why i say my mum's mother instead of my grandmother, well thats because i pretty much disown her. i never thought in my whole life i would ever disown someone but i guess life isnt always how we imagine.

i will just refer to her as it.

well it moved in and it was a drunk. it gets drunk everynight. thats why ever since november my nights havent been so peaceful. it yells, screams, curses, slams things, gets mad for no reason and the next day plays it off as nothing happened. its so pathetic.

well i disown it. it makes my life miserable.

it is what made cutting so hard to resist after being clean for almost a year. it is what makes me so tense in my own home that my stomach sinks everytime it walks by. im trying to stay clean and keep my mind off it but i dont know how much longer i can take it. its not a healthy living environment. but theres nothing i can do until im eighteen. in my eyes that day april 26, 2012 seems to be getting further and further away. i hope to wake up one day and not be in this environment anymore. i hope for one day to forever be clean and be happy. it will happen eventually.

but for now i can just wait and hope it doesnt get worse. and pray for god to save me.


jaimieJUSTIFIED

500 ways to make me laugh.

i can start by saying this. its the irritating things in this story that make my mind spin out of control. its the very little simple things in this story im about to tell that give me 500 ways to laugh. but just look at it this way, if your expecting a pleasent story dont get your hopes up.

so its starts off as any other story, calm and peaceful, happy and cheerful. on thursday night i spent the night at jess E cuh's house. we stayed up all night just talking about nothing and jumping around like looney's. then we went to sleep. the next morning it was friday. we didnt wake up til noon and when we did wake up there was no one home. her grandad was out golfing, her granmum was at work along with her sister ashley. we checked our myspace's then made something to eat. after that we got ready to go to the mall for the rest of the day. so far, so good. we get to the mall around 1:30 walk around until 3:30 and then go catch a movie at the seminole movie theatre. ha, we saw 500 days of summer. it was a very cute movie. after the movie we went back to her house ate some watermelon and went back to sleep. we were most definitly exhausted. ........"a funny part is coming up.".............

WE DIDNT WAKE UP TIL NINE AT NIGHT! to me it was funny.

once again no one was home. we then ate food and went on myspace and made a funny video.
around 10pm my mum finally picked me up. seeing as how she forgot me. and on the phone she was like i fess i forgot to come get you. i was like how can you forget your own daughter silly goose.

now heres where the story gets a little bumpy.

we get home at around 10:45ish. i was so happy because it was the most fun i have had since i have been ungrounded. i go and unpack my things and put them away, then run a load of laundry. ha, i love doing laundry because while the dryer is on you can sit on it and it makes your butt all warm and stuff. well while i was waiting for my laundry to get done i went on the computer and uploaded some pictures. its about 12:30am now and my mum's mother starts spazzin out. like WHAT THE HELL. she starts yelling at me and getting pissed because i was on the computer. i flat out told her because i was done not standing up for myself when it came to situations like this. i was like listen if i was going to get in trouble dont you think that mum would of come out of her room and deliberately tell me to get off the computer and go to bed. i mean common sense here, DUH! then she like purposely wanted my mum to wake up to hear her yell at me, which btw she wouldnt of yelled at me. so she started slamming her door in my face or every time she left her room then went back in it. and i was like ohk thats real good wake mum up why dont you knowing that it takes forever for her to fall asleep in the first place. yeah thats real smooth. and then i called rebekah and she was like "YOU BETTER GET OFF THE DAMN PHONE RIGHT NOW!" and i was like um excuse me you should mind your own buisness and stay out of mine. i dont need to deal with your bitching right now. so why dont you just go lock yoruself in your room. so thats what she did.

it was a fucking nightmare. like seriously. i dont think i need to deal with that kind of stuff when i come home from being gone for two days. and only being home for like two hours. like are you kidding me.

i just feel better now that i stood my ground and didnt get walked all over like usual.

p.s. dont you just hate when you live with someone that makes you so tense just walking by you that your stomach sinks.


jaimieJUSTIFIED

have you ever felt so alone that you dont know what to do?
well thats how i feel right now. i feel that there is no one to talk to, no one to go to for help, alone to figure it all out on my own. maybe its for the best. but all i know is i hate being alone.

jaimieJUSTIFIED

..........?

the last few days havent been good. sometimes i just feel so alone. almost like there is no way to escape it. i have no one to talk to. well it feels like that anyway. everytime i try and talk to someone, to just get it off my chest they are so judgemental. they think its stupid and i shouldnt worry about it. but it feels like so much more to me. its so hard to wake up in the morning and try and fight it every single day. like deep down in the pit of my stomach something is telling me its your get away. do it, pick up the knife, come on you know you'll feel better in the end. but i try and fight it.

i feel like no one is there to talk to, but when there finally is.........i dont want to talk about it.

i just dont know how to handle this. is there another way. another escape without hurting myself. if there is i need help finding it.



"Self-injury is not something people talk about very often, but for an estimated 2 to 3 million Americans it is a serious problem. The majority of people who self-injure are women between the ages of 13 and 30, but there are "cutters" of every age, gender, and economic group.
People who "self-injure" are not usually suicidal. They do however, intentionally inflict injuries upon themselves, usually in response to stress or trauma. Their injuries may vary from minor cuts that heal quickly to very serious wounds that leave permanent scars."


jaimieJUSTIFIED

todays events were hella

alright so i wake up and everything is silent. the air was stale. i go outside and let the dog out. come back in a make a cheese bagel. those things are soo great. i love them(: anywho, around 10:30ish my mum comes out of her room, i was sitting on twitter. she asked me if i was dressed and i was like yeah. she was like ohk, you have five minutes to do something with your hair and meet me outside. i went and threw my hair into a side ponytail and bumped my bangs. then i went outside and got in the car. she then asked so where to. and i was like huh. where to she said again. i was like well im hungry do you want to go to chili's, sure lets go. after we had brunch i was like well i havent been to point orlando in a while so lets go there, when we got there it was really slow and nothing was open. so we headed to downtown disney. ha i went and made lago people at the lago store(: i bought a new anklet as well. then we headed back home and mum made dinner, for once. cause i always have to make it.

then 6:30pm comes around and i get a phone call. at first i thought it was Robbie but then i was like no he wouldnt call this early. turns out it was my dad. it was so nice talking to him. its like the longest conversation i have had with him in so long. ha so im going to see him on father's day and meet my lil brother. im not sure what we are gonna do but oh well. i love how excepting he is of the choices i have made(:

haha im gonna laugh if we have that father daughter bonding and go get tattoos. hes so cool. and that would be something that would be memorable forever. and your first tattoo should have meaning. the meaning to mine would be my dad.
someone would ask so where ya get your first tatt at. i would be all like dude its right here on my hip and the best part about it is i shared the moment with my dad(:

it feels so great saying that. and that memory would be with me forever. whenever im thinking of him i would look at it. despite our ups and downs i really do love him.


jaimieJUSTIFIED

last night; ignorance

on everyones part everything was complete ignorance and just basically fucking pathetic. im sick and tired of dealing with the shit in my house. so what my mum's boyfriend moved in, theres a new one like every four months so i have just learned to fuckin deal. i never get asked if its alright it just always happens and then like a month after they move in, something happens, they break up, and he moves out. but this time my grams got involved.

so heres the story:
my mum came home pissed as usual ever since the BF moved in. she walked to the porch grabbed a beer. sat on the porch and didnt want to speak to anyone just like she didnt the night before. then without thinking she got up walked around back and went to walk around the block. half hour goes by, shes still not home. as much as i say i hate her i was getting kind of worried. so i took the dog and walked around the block looking for her. now i am 100% positive that her car was in the drive way when i left. and when i got back it wasnt there. so now im really wigged out and stressed as fuck. i stay outside and smoke a ciggarette. when i went back inside i was just thinking "well hey i will just call her." haha funny thing she left her god damn phone on the counter. so i just sat and waited for her to get back.

it was about 10pm now and Robbie called. so to make sure i wouldnt fall asleep i talked to him. then my grams decided to take things into her own hands and thought that my mums BF was using me, she was drunk as usual. so she started yelling at him and i was like Robbie can you hear that and he was like yeah and i said well now you know what i go through 4 times out of a 7 day week. of course he had felt it because i guess its the same way with him. i was soooooo stressed by this point. my chest started to feel like it was sinking again. the way it was the night before. Robbie said some random shit to distract me. of course it worked(: anywho so 3am rolls around and my mum is still not back. i have no clue as to where she was, so i called around. in fact, no one knew where she was. so when i got off the phone with Robbie at around 3:30am i just went to sleep.

Dude, i woke up this morning, mum was back, and it was as if nothing happened.


jaimieJUSTIFIED

June 12th, 2009. well i think thats todays date.

todays events arent much. they actually add up to nothing. so whats the point. ummm i slept til noon because the night before i went to bed at 7 and then Robbie called at 11. when i got off the phone with him it was like 1 in the AM. and then i couldnt go back to sleep. ha i had frosted flakes, they were good. well yeah so when i woke up at noon i definitly didnt really feel to hot. i was like sweating, i had a fever. and i was shaking really bad and my chest was all tense. and then i discovered i sit funny.

but anywho i got on myspace and made myself some coffee. went outside to smoke a ciggarette(btw i burnt myself), then came back inside and ended up talking to Robbie on AIM for like 5 hours. i didnt even know that was possible because im not a big fan of AIM but i guess it is. i truely didnt even realize that 5 hours had rolled by. grawr i havent eaten anything all day on top of that. just dont seem to be hungry as usual. i dont know whats wrong with me. but i guess im going to bed now and im sure Robbie will end up calling later.

jaimieJUSTIFIED

what can i say, but the best night of my fucking life.

its so hard to describe. it started as a very lonely night as usual. sitting around getting ready to fall asleep and wake up later to Robbie's gorgeous phone calls. when Rebekah Hayley Beumel came and stole me up for the night. we headed to Josh's of course. i mean we are all summer buddies. i bought them pizza because im the one that always has the money so i always buy them food, no big. then we had a photo shoot which is what we live for. then we talked on the phone with matt for like god knows how long. and then i passed out. and might i say i hate being awaken at 4:30 in the AM to Rebekah pulling the pillow out from underneath my head and me hitting the wall. it hurt. and sqweezing onto a queen size bed isnt so comfortable either.

haha then we woke up and myspaced it. lawlz i got pretty pissed at turtle boy so i was all like "IM GOING ON TWITTER!" hehe definitly a new catch phrase whenever i get mad. because what best to do when your mad but get on twitter. even though it really is a pointless website. ha 11:30 AM rolls around and me and Bekah walk to my house from Josh's, not really that far. chill at my home, rebekah showers, and matt comes over. totally felt like the third wheel, oh well. then we went to publix to get milk, haha. and went and picked up Stacy. really it was really entertaining until you walk into your room and feel as though you just walked in on something. but its whateves.

so as lame as the events of the past two days days sound. it really was quite the fun.

anywho. add myspace.com/jaimiesonmyspace
and comment the photos.


jaimieJUSTIFIED

rain rain come this way

i want it to rain

for the sunshine to go away

for my tears to be free to fall in silence
and no one able to see.



jaimieJUSTIFIED

i believe

that as much as you hate
someone for their past
that they can change in
the long run.
as we get older we are
still learning. and everyone
makes mistakes.

so when one person doesnt
let them fix it and then the child
suffers from it, its pathetic.


yeah our relationship will never
be great and its different then
a normal father daughter relationship
but im still willing to try.
even though i have tried so many
times in the past.

so dad,
its your go.

are you willing to make an effort again?



-jaimieJUSTIFIED

soooonnnnnn

schools out in 9 days(:
im so happy and i cant
wait til summer. lets
make the best of it.
more than likely headed
to california. and of course
new york already have those
plane tickets.

warped tour soon to come
as well soooooo excited(:(:


lets make plans.


jaimieJUSTIFIED

ilfxckled

to clear things up. everything is better now.
no need to worry anymore. goshhhh
this is so irritating.

im happy again. just remember that when
your talking to me.


jaimieJUSTIFIED

bahahahah

drunk as fuck. sitting on twitter/myspace.
going to pass out real soon.

lol drinking coffee.(:



jaimieJUSTIFIED

uhmmmm

to tell you the truth when nothing else words speak.
they are a big part of everyones lives. like you can tell
how they are feeling by how they are typing. whether they
are hyper so they type really fast and every word is spelt wrong
or they are mad so they WRITE IN ALL CAPS. idk just
something i noticed. but when words fail.....music speaks.
its like a calling. not that i know what that means but you probably
more than likely get the point. so yeppp.



and i noticed i stopped writing my name.
like im leaving it blank.lol
so here you go.

jaimieJUSTIFIED

black, sharp, metal, object

i run my small fingers across those metal teeth as slowly as possible. a little sharp but not to bad. ouch! a little bit of my skin got caught. im okey though. i place my index finger on the point of the object with sharp metal teeth and i take the handle with my other hand. i turn it. i start to anaylze the fact that this object in the end makes all my pain go away. i think about it. i place it up against my neck. then. i think again. everyone would be so sad. even when there was nothing to be sad about. im not worth it to sit and spend all of your time crying about because im gone. you wont miss me. you say you will but you wont. after second guessing myself i place the object against the part of my body that the hand is attached to. i rest it there. i start to move it back and forth as a warm red substance begins to flow done my arm. great moms gonna be mad it stained my white long sleeve. i dont care though. it was stained with my pain that i feel every single day. every hour, minute, second. it never goes away. i sit and sulk and this is my way to let it all out. im done now. i stop moving the object. i grab a napkin and clean up my messs. its all done. im better now. a scab will heal over the wound over night. then it will be fine. i pick up my napkin off the floor, grab the knife in my other hand. i walk away. and its all over.

-anonymous.

seriously,

i dont understand why people have to be so fucking mean.
or the fact that they try not to understand you but really they
do or they think they do thats better than nothing, right.
truely i have been annoyed for the last time this weekend
and i am seriously sick of it. and i love how people are doing nothing
but bashing on me lately. seriously come on do you have no life
that you have to try and mess up someone elses. i have had it.
i dont know whats next to come of me and whats going to happen.
i hope its not bad though. everyone would be so sad even when there
was no need for it. just leave me be and that will be the end of it.
i just want to smile one more time. is that to much to ask for.


signed, anonymous.

what you think you may see.

you look at me and see a pretty face, but when you lift my sleaves you see scars, cuts and bruises. so then you notice im not just a pretty face in the crowd. im so much more. you think you can handle me but then you second guess yourself. but one day when im on top of the world i know the right person wont care and wont second guess himself. its gonna take a hell of a lot but he will find a way. and he will understand. he will make me smile, laugh, and giggle. then i wouldnt have time to worry about anything. past, present, or future.



jaimieJUSTIFIED

omgoshhh best day ever.

Ohkay so finally I had a good day. I love that cause it hasnt been the same in a while.
All my days in a way have been off compaired to usual. Well anywho, he made me so happy
I dont even know how. Like when he speaks I listen then I feel good. Like nothing else matters. Honestly, I love talking to him(: But yuhh, so on top of him being so sweet to me and completely truthful I got my laptop today. It made me so happy. Goshhhh this is crazy, like this feeling you know. When you haven't felt it in so long then it just hits you. Well all I know is im glad im not sad. I was a little upset earlier but that is because kaylie started crying on the bus cause she was thinking of her dad which made me think of her dad but most of all tyler. I miss that kid so much its crazy. I cant believe its been like three weeks without him here next to everyone he loves and cares about. anyway about the happiness. I have been smiling all day according to everyone, which it shocked them. GRAWR just from smiling and laughing all day my cheeks hurt. Well anyway I thought that my happiness was something I thought would be something good to blog about seeing as how its not normal for me(:(:(:


So screw everyone else, I will be like this everyday all day. Well I hope so anywayy.

-jaimieJUSTIFIED

To Kaylies Daddy....

written 12.25.2008

Why?Daddy why?

-He was there to pick her up when she was down.

-He was there to calm her down through the yelling and screaming.

-He was there to hold her hand and wipe her tears.

-He loved all her friends and most importantly her and the family.

-He was amazing.

-He spontaneously picked up her and all her friends and went driving with no destination in mind.

-Well in fact he took them to playgrounds and wal-mart.

-He built her trap doors in her room like she was a princess and could escape the misery.

-He made her laugh.

-He said he was always going to be there for her through thick and thin.

-He got her a TACO at two in the morning cause she wanted one.

-He said he would always cover for her so she never got in trouble.

-and his last words to her were "i lvoe you bug"

-hes gone and now shes left to fend for herself.

-She just wants him back to hold her tight, you know.

-Its gonna be rough, its gonna be hard but her friends are here to help her through that rough and hard time.

-and she knows hes always looking down on her.

-Most importantly I promised her that Jacob and Anna would watch over him until she could see him once again. knowing she would then spend eternity with him.

-jaimieJUSTIFIED

P.S. RIP David Owens

5.22.75 to 12.23.08

whats to come....

umm so like whats to come would have to be today ima go to bed after this post then ima wake up and do a shit load of studing and homework. yeah i had two weeks to do all of it and im going to crame it into one day. cause all day saturday i will be dealing with funerals and stuff. honestly i might not even be at school the first three days of next week because i have to deal with other things out of state. and i know sunday im probably going to theme parks or what not so i can finally let loose and have a good time. im a little tired of holding the whole world on my shoulders that i think for one day someone else can take over. well thats it for now. i would type more but im tired which places me in the position of not very many thoughts and if there is they are all passing my mind right about this very second. so yepp.

jaimieJUSTIFIED