if you just understood my sadness,

i miss jacob so much. i want him here to hold me tight. to make me feel like nothing else existed. the memories i shared with him arent ones that can be discussed with just anyone unless you were there(christofer and stefan). they are memories that are forever stowed away in my mind. i remember the night he died so clearly. almost like it was yesterday. i just cant imagine that this has happened. it seems that everything i do or everything i say just reminds me of him. i want him to be sitting here on my bed next to me like the good ol' days. the days where everything felt perfect even though no one knows what that means. when i was with jacob it was almost like i did know what perfect meant or the meaning of true love. yeah i may of still been so young but like people say you dont know what love is until you dont want to go to sleep at night because your reality is finally better than your dreams. but you know what, even though hes gone and all i want is to be in my dreams where he is every night, i dont. because my dreams always turn into night mares where im tossing and turning or break out in a cold sweat. i would rather just be awake where everything isnt right or everything is sad than to be stuck in place that feels like you cant escape. i dont even know what im doing anymore. i dont even know these feelings that im feeling anymore. i dont know what is true anymore and i dont know where my heart is taking me. im lost in this world along with the 6 other billion people in it. i dont even know if i want to exist anymore. becuase like they say to live, to die, then spend eternity with the ones you lost. i wish that life would hurry already so i can be apart of the eternity.


jaimieJUSTIFIED