the yellow tunnel in the park.

im feeling so sick inside. my medicine isnt helping anymore. i need help! theres no one here to help me anymore. i crawled out my window last night and went to a local park. it was like 1 in the morning. i smoked three packs, slit my wrists and cried myself to sleep for about three hours. after that i woke up were i was laying in the yellow tunnel next to a swing set. i knew what had happened. i looked at my right arm. i saw the cuts and ran one finger over them. i peeled away at the dry blood and then looked up at the sky. i dont know whats happening. i once was so happy but now im questioning everything. whats god's plan for me on earth? whats with these thoughts of sadness running through my head? why am i still here, living? is this what im suppose to be doing? is this where im suppose to be?
i shouldnt be questioning everything but sadly i do. i put my jacket back on after taking it off to use it as a pillow and then i walk back home. no one realized i had left, hell no one was home yet. i crawl back through my window and checked the caller id. no one had called. i guess thats a good thing because i didnt need people worring about me. i poured a glass of vodka and orange juice. i chugged it like it was nothing. like there was no distinct burning running down my throat. then i went back to my room and layed on my bed. i layed on something lumpy. so i reached under my stomach and found the teddy bear that jacob gave to me the valentines day of the year he died. i threw it across the room. i think it hit a wall but i wasnt even paying the slightest bit of attention to notice. tears start rolling down my face again. i get back up and make another drink, then go outside and have another smoke. when i was done i went back to my room. dropped the glass on the table next to my bed. then fell on my bed and went to sleep.

and thats just how my night ended. first time its happened since the grams thing moved out.


jaimieJUSTIFIED