THIS IS AN IMPORTANT BLOG!

I AM TAKING A BREAK FROM BLOGGING FOR A WHILE DUE TO SOMETHINGS THAT CAME UP ABOUT IT. THEY UPSET SOMEONE THAT IS VERY DEAR TO ME AND I DON'T ENJOY SEEING HER LIKE THAT. THEREFORE IM LEAVING BLOGSPOT. I DONT KNOW FOR HOW LONG OR FOR GOOD! BUT FOR NOW THERE WILL BE NO MORE POSTS UNTIL I FEEL ITS RIGHT FOR ME TO COME BACK.

I WILL BE UPDATING MY TWITTER, MYSPACE, AND FACEBOOK DAILY THOUGH. SO IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHATS GOING ON JUST LOOK AT THOSE PAGES.

MYSPACE.COM/JAIMIESONMYSPACE

FACEBOOK: JAYMAE-MARIE JARLSON

AND MY TWITTER LINK IS ON BOTH OF THOSE PAGES.

ALSO IF YOU KNOW ME PERSONALLY YOU SHOULD HAVE MY AIM.

SO JUST SEND ME AN INSTANT MESSAGE!

i thought

i had a lil bit of everything. a lil bit of love. a lil bit of care. a bestfriend. a girlfriend who loves me. 6 brothers who adore me. but i dont.
yes, christofer, stefan, aria, alec, nick, and grant still love and adore me. i mean come on now. they be my brothers. but i have no idea to anything anymore. today was what seemed to be the worst day ever. not the worst day of my life because thats a different day. thats april 14th, 2006. but it was just to me a worst day to experience. it was suppose to be good, picture day and all. all of you knowing i love being in front of the camera. but it wasnt. in second period i went out of class to get a drink of water. as im walking back to class a campus advisor stops me. yells at me that "I HAD DRESSCODE". what the fuck, seriously i was wearing a tank top. it was grey. apparently it was see through. i yelled at the lady in SRC and said if you dont want to see my bra straps i sure as hell dont want to see yours. she was wearing a tank to and i def could see the straps. EW! because of the viruses and what not going around i refused to wear one of their smelly shirts and not to mention IT WAS PICTURE DAY. i wouldnt be caught dead wearing that shirt they wanted me to wear. it was nasty. so i had to sit in ISS for three periods cause i yelled at the lady and i had to wait for me mum to bring me a shirt. when mum got there she bitched out the lady to because when she was looking for the room to find me at she saw a girl walk out of the main office wearing a tank top as well. but yet im the one who got dresscode.
you think that was bad it only got worse. after i got my shirt and went back to class it was time for the stupid pictures that i didnt want to take cause i was in a bad mood. obviously they looked like crap. and they are going in the yearbook. WTF.
when i got home i was told that my "bestfriend" thought that i had made new bestfriends so she felt unneeded. which is bullcrap but whatever. apparently im not allowed to have more than one best friend. or in general other friends to hang out with. FUCK BESTFRIENDS! I JUST HAVE FRIENDS NOW BECAUSE IM NOT DEALING WITH THE ARGUING ANYMORE!
i hit my boiling point today. i came home, grabbed the razor, and slit my rist open about five times. watched as the blood poored from my arm to the ground. i cried my eyes out and asked why does this have to happen to me. it hurts so bad at first, but the pain is releaved by the cut. i want jacob, anna, travis, tyler, ian, sam, patrick, jawsh, adam, dannie, jackypoo, and jake to be back here. i miss them so much and it hurts so badly inside. they were the ones that helped me through these problems even though they had problems of their own. i cant seem to do this on my own anymore. i cant seem to get better. IM A FREAK! AND A CRAZY! as people call it. but i dont know how long i can take it until i snap and theres no turning back.


jaimieJUSTIFIED

i miss

my girlfriend.


kate i dont understand this feeling.
it feels so weird inside. im not gonna
say that i havent missed anyone as
much as you before because thats not
true. and im not going to say i havent
felt this weird feeling before because i have.
you know that feeling of absentness. like
the feeling that you were just with that person
and now they are no where to be found.
that feeling that your drifting away from
the person you love so much's feelings. like
that feeling that this cant be happening because
you were just sitting in my lap holding me .
i really miss you kate and i want you next to me.

p.s. i didnt mean to make it sound like you died. o.O
it just turned out that way. ha. MY BAD!


jaimieJUSTIFIED

the yellow tunnel in the park.

im feeling so sick inside. my medicine isnt helping anymore. i need help! theres no one here to help me anymore. i crawled out my window last night and went to a local park. it was like 1 in the morning. i smoked three packs, slit my wrists and cried myself to sleep for about three hours. after that i woke up were i was laying in the yellow tunnel next to a swing set. i knew what had happened. i looked at my right arm. i saw the cuts and ran one finger over them. i peeled away at the dry blood and then looked up at the sky. i dont know whats happening. i once was so happy but now im questioning everything. whats god's plan for me on earth? whats with these thoughts of sadness running through my head? why am i still here, living? is this what im suppose to be doing? is this where im suppose to be?
i shouldnt be questioning everything but sadly i do. i put my jacket back on after taking it off to use it as a pillow and then i walk back home. no one realized i had left, hell no one was home yet. i crawl back through my window and checked the caller id. no one had called. i guess thats a good thing because i didnt need people worring about me. i poured a glass of vodka and orange juice. i chugged it like it was nothing. like there was no distinct burning running down my throat. then i went back to my room and layed on my bed. i layed on something lumpy. so i reached under my stomach and found the teddy bear that jacob gave to me the valentines day of the year he died. i threw it across the room. i think it hit a wall but i wasnt even paying the slightest bit of attention to notice. tears start rolling down my face again. i get back up and make another drink, then go outside and have another smoke. when i was done i went back to my room. dropped the glass on the table next to my bed. then fell on my bed and went to sleep.

and thats just how my night ended. first time its happened since the grams thing moved out.


jaimieJUSTIFIED

i shall

cry myself to sleep tonight
as thoughts of him and me
in his arms comes rushing
back to me. the teddy bear
he gave me for valentines day
the feburary before he died
still lays on the pillow next to
my head at night. if only he
knew how much i missed him.
he went home though. and i
wish i could go home to. so then
i could stop worring about earth and
start worring about eternity.


p.s. boobear, when pastor tom mentioned
eternity tonight all i could think about was
you and how you told me that one day we
will be together again and thats when we
will be together for eternity. :/


jaimieJUSTIFIED

baby you don't understand.

its started the end of freshman year. In about feburary 2009 I started talking to this one boy. he was the first boy i had talked to since the whole Devinn insident. after Devinn i never thought i would find another person that i truely cared about or had feelings for. but then i met this boy, he knows who he is. it started as a myspace thing. being the little myspace whore that i once was, i would add just about everyone i possibly could just to get my friend count up. he started as one of those people. a person who meant nothing and who i added just to have more friends. but he was different than everyone else i was adding. he actually commented me and said hullo. he actually started a freaking conversation. he seemed so sweet with his flirtatious words. we held one conversation for about three months until he finally got the nerve to ask for my number to hear my "gorgeous voice" as he called it. i gave in, of course and gave it to him. he told me he would call me later that night and i said okay. i sat and awaited his call even though somewhere in my confused little head i had a feeling he wouldnt. but then the phone rang and sure enough it was him. for some reason a big smile swept over my face and this weird feeling was in the pit of my stomach. we talked for a while. honestly about nothing but it was amusing. after that night he called every single night, at the same time, for a month and a half straight. we grew closer. and it came down to the point where something we never thought would happen did. we grew emotional feelings for each other. "we loved each other" we told each other our deepest darkest secerts. we had so much in common. but he was so stubborn and i was so needy. i needed to know that he meant everything he said. heck i needed to know what was going on inside his head that he never seemed to tell me. he just couldnt put the words together to tell me. then one night our phone call ended short. he was in such a state he wouldnt talk to me. i asked him what was wrong, several times. i got no response. like i said, he was stubborn. i finally got to the point where i was like "call me when your in a better mood and want to talk, goodbye for now." later that night he let his true feelings out. i had no idea how much emotion was going through his head. he slit his wrists that night. he just couldnt take it anymore. and thats how he let his pain go. after he was done with that and cleaned up his mess, then relaxed for a little bit he wrote a poem. he said how he just wanted to be perfect, perfect for us. hun, i dont ask for perfect. i never have and i never will. i liked you for you. i was willing to accept you for the state that you were in. you didnt have to be perfect. he said how he wanted me in his arms and it was a dream he had. i remember him telling me how i was in a dream of his. but he thought it was silly and never would tell me. then he finally did and i didnt think it was silly. it made me smile, honestly. he asked for me to make his dream come true and that he would prove his love for me. he said i was his everything and that it was true and he meant it. he wanted me to so badly make his dream come true. "he's drop all for me. he's do anything for me. he just wanted me to be his."

but then a little thing called JAY GETTING IN TROUBLE AND HIM NOT BEING ABLE TO VISIT ME BECAUSE I WAS GROUNDED. yeah that little thing got in the way. and not only that the whole two months i was grounded i wasnt allowed to talk to him. we slowly drifted apart. it was something at the time i didnt want to happen. but now that i look back on it, i guess we all knew it was going to happen. i will never forget the words he said to me. i will never forget our 5 hour phone conversations every night. i loved how he made it a point to call me every night. it didnt matter what time it was. i did have issues going on at home and it seemed that through every rough day i had at the end of it, he made me feel so much better. well im writing this to let you know that even though we arent as close anymore. i will still love you. and im still here for you to talk to. because like you said im not like any other girl out there. i'll actually listen to you and not label the things you do or judge you for something in your past. but ummmm yeah. good night. and sweet dreams.


jaimieJUSTIFIED

if you just understood my sadness,

i miss jacob so much. i want him here to hold me tight. to make me feel like nothing else existed. the memories i shared with him arent ones that can be discussed with just anyone unless you were there(christofer and stefan). they are memories that are forever stowed away in my mind. i remember the night he died so clearly. almost like it was yesterday. i just cant imagine that this has happened. it seems that everything i do or everything i say just reminds me of him. i want him to be sitting here on my bed next to me like the good ol' days. the days where everything felt perfect even though no one knows what that means. when i was with jacob it was almost like i did know what perfect meant or the meaning of true love. yeah i may of still been so young but like people say you dont know what love is until you dont want to go to sleep at night because your reality is finally better than your dreams. but you know what, even though hes gone and all i want is to be in my dreams where he is every night, i dont. because my dreams always turn into night mares where im tossing and turning or break out in a cold sweat. i would rather just be awake where everything isnt right or everything is sad than to be stuck in place that feels like you cant escape. i dont even know what im doing anymore. i dont even know these feelings that im feeling anymore. i dont know what is true anymore and i dont know where my heart is taking me. im lost in this world along with the 6 other billion people in it. i dont even know if i want to exist anymore. becuase like they say to live, to die, then spend eternity with the ones you lost. i wish that life would hurry already so i can be apart of the eternity.


jaimieJUSTIFIED