my crazy night. and a little scary.

what im about to write are a true series of events and they were my true emotions at the time. but i have you know that i am fine now. there is nothing wrong and im not thinking this way. i took my medicine and everything is better. it was 1:13am when i wrote this therefore the medicine had worn off. but i was technically suppose to be asleep so nothing bad could possibly happen. this is just a WARNING!!!!!

what am i in this world but a fuck up. i screw up everything thats good in my life. my mom doesnt trust me anymore. my grandmother thinks im a liar and a stealer. they think im worthless. my dad obviously doesnt like me either thats why he picks up and leaves. i have no friends because i drive them away with how pathetic i am. i just wish i didnt exist anymore. i so badly just want to make that nuse and tie it to a tree branch and hang myself. im tired of the judgements people throw at me. the rude comments i hear everyday because of how i look or how i think. the razor marks on my arms that multiply by the day show that. i dont want your words. i dont want you to care for me. im not wothe it. you would just be wasting your time. so you want to know what brings this sob story on.

its called the thing living across the hall from me getting drunk as usual. except this time instead of me finding her passed out in bed i find her lying on the ground on my front porch, unable to function properly. if it wasnt for me have this sudden qwench of thirst and going to get water from the kitchen she probably would still be there. when i was on my way to the kitchen i had noticed that the front door wasnt closed all the way. so thats when i walked over to close it and saw her there. i quickly ran and got my mom and im pretty sure thats the quickest i have ever seen her jump out of bed. she runs to the door and goes outside to help her get up. my mom looked like she was having trouble because my grandmother wasnt helping much. so i ask my mom if she needs help getting her up. my grandmother yells for me to get away. she obviously was still mad for earlier in the night when she told me to get off the phone and i didnt because it was only eleven. but to an old lady whos sixty years old, eleven is late. then my mom gets her to her feet and walks her to her room. when they get in there my mom puts her on the bed and is like "ma, what the hell. when jay sees you liek this its just gonna want to make her go out and do stupid shit like this." she responds on how she cant take this anymore. and my mom was like shes a teenager shes not in school shes allowed to be on the phone so dont worry about what shes doing and worry about yourself. she told my mom that i have been stealing money from her, which is NOT true. i just think to myself how much of a fuck up i am that people would say shit like that. and it doesnt matter that she was drunk because statistics say that most of the time your true feelings come out when your drunk. she is constantly bitching at me or about me to other people. everyone hates me and doesnt wish to help me in my time of need. when i need them the most. a family is suppose to stick by you through thick and thin no matter what. but not mine they are to busy and caught up in other things or hating me, so they could careless. they dont realize that mentally i am sick and getting worse. I NEED HELP! but no one listens, no one cares.




once again, i already have the help i need and i am taking my so called happy pills. i am fine and dont need your pitty to my story. just read it and know that im not the only one who suffers with these in home problems. its a world wide thing that teens deal with. depression, thoughts of suicide, self injury. and its not just teens its adults to. if you notice these signs from a friend or yourself please dont avoid it. get help! and remember, your not alone.



jaimieJUSTIFIED

dreamz at one in the morning!

i try to hold back. hold back these thoughts of sadness. is there any hope left for me to find. i go to the park today and see you there. see you there sitting on a swing. your all alone and im left to ask myself why? why do you sit there on that swing in this abandand park? its like a desert field out here. that swing you sit upon hasnt seen a child's bum in ages. i would know, i used to come here everyday after school but its been awhile. i know why im here, but why are you? all these questions race through my mind so fast its hard to calculate it all. i look down to my old rundown shoes. yeah the ones with all those holes in them. they barely cover my feet but i still wear them because they remind me of you and the times we used to share. i return my sight to you on the swing, your gone. you must of moved when i looked down at my destroyed shoes. i look around to see where you might have gone. your no where to be found. the next thing i know your tapping my shoulder with two fingers from behind. it scares me so i jump in fright as i turn around. you ask, "have you been thinking about me lately? like you promised you always would. have i been in your dreams lately? like you promised i always would." i look into your crystal blue eyes. i must not lie to you as i shake my head and whisper that two letter word i thought i'd never say to you, no. you reach for me with one arm and place it on my shoulder. you look down at the ground then return your beautiful crystal blue eyes to my big brown ones. in a soft voice you say its okay and that i must move on from those thoughts that once meant the world to me. its time for you to let go. you move your hand from my shoulder down to my hand and intertwein your fingers in mine. you take a step closer. i hesitate and take a step back. you look back down at my destroyed shoes and whisper its okay. once again you take one step closer and this time i dont hesitate. instead i take another step closer and place my head against your chest. all i can think to myself at this point is..... can this possibly be real. can this be happening to me right now? have you returned to me? i breathe in the scent of your cologne. i miss that scent so much. i remove my head from your chest and look up and back into your eyes. you look down at me and whisper i will forever love you but its time for you to let go. don't forget me just let go. and then you simply fade away. right out of my arms. im left standing alone in an abandoned park. the very park we used to play in when we were kids. i start thinking again. did all this really just happen. jacob on the swing then the next thing i know my head against his chest breathing in the scent of his cologne. it cant be, it wasnt. all it was, was a figment of my imagination. i miss him so badly im no longer sane. i walk to the swing that imaginary jacob was sitting in. i sit down and start kicking my feet in the dirt. then my mind fades off in the distance and probably will never return. the next thing i know the doctor appears in the park. he has come to get me and bring me back to the hospital where they will give me medicine and five minutes later all my thoughts of the past will be lost. and thats how my sad story ends.

jaimieJUSTIFIED

life isnt what its cracked up to be!

i remember that day so clearly. its a frequent thought in my mind, always racing at the speed of light. it kills me inside, i just want to forget.

it started just as any other day, april 14, 2006. i wake up, i eat breakfast, i await to hear from him. today was the day. it was suppose to be the happiest day of my life. after a couple hours though i didnt hear from him. i assumed that something had just come up. that i would just hear from him later on. but never was i ready for what was later on to come.

christofer called in complete panic. he wouldnt tell me what was going on. he just said,"grab a jacket, vans, and your backpack, and meet me outside. i'll be there in like two seconds." i do just that and meet him outside. he shows up to minutes later and i get in the car. i ask whats going on, there is no answer. so i just sit and wait as he speeds down the road. an hour goes by of sitting in the car, complete silence. then next thing i know we are pulling into halifax hospital. thats when i start freaking out. i demand to know whats going on. why are we here. still no reply. he rushes out of the car and walks towards the enterance. i get out of the car grab my jacket and bag. then i stop after getting out of the car and i yell to him. "CHRISTOFER, JUST STOP FOR ONE SECOND AND TELL ME WHATS GOING ON!" he does because he didnt need me yelling. he turns around rubs his mouth then walks back to me. he bends down eye level to me and grabs my arms. he looks at me and i know its bad. i didnt even know what to expect. he says the one thing i didnt want him to say. "jaimie, its jacob." my eyes swell up instantly. then the tears start pouring down my face. he rubs the tears off my cheek with his jacket sleeve. i stop crying and ask "what about jacob?" his response, "hes been in a really bad car accident. we need to get inside right now." before we go i say to him just promise me everything is going to be alright. that nothing bad is going to happen. he says nothing, grabs my hand and leads me to the door. we go straight to the elevator, its all silent again. so many thoughts are rushing through my head. we get up to his floor and everyone is waiting in the lobby. i ask has anyone seen him yet. does anyone know how hes doing. Alec responds, "he doesnt want to see anyone, but you." i was like okay. i go to the door. i hesitate to open it then look behind my shoulder. chris nods to go in. when i get in the room i shut the door behind me. i see Jacob just laying there in the hospital bed. he was hooked up to all these machines. i so badly just wanted to run up to him but my legs just werent moving. he opens his eyes and sees me. he tells me to come closer. i walk like two steps closer. i was so scared. he was like no silly, come over here. so i smiled because it seemed that everytime he spoke it just gave me butterflies. i go up next to the bed and grab his hand. he sqweezes it. i sqweeze back. he scooted over and then i knew he wanted me to lay next to him. i take my backpack off and climb up on the bed. he puts his arm around me and just holds me. he whispers in my ear, "i love you!" and i knew he actually meant it. i smile and whisper it back. then i asked the one question i was dying to know. i just wanted to know that everything was going to be alright. i whispered to him, "please jacob jsut tell me everything is going to be alright." once again i get no response to that particular question. he just holds me tight and i play with the hospital band on his arm. four hours goes by before i heard another word from him. i didnt bother looking back the whole time he was holding me because i knew i would just cry. a doctor comes in and jacob whispers in my ear once more. "its time babygirl." im wondering to myself what he means by that. he says,"but i have you know that one day we will spend eternity together. and i promise that with all my aching heart that i have left that i will never leave you. don't worry i will be watching over you. i truely always did love you. and cheer up dont cry just promise to dream about me tonight." i turn to him, tears rolling down my face. "i promise you, i will dream about you tonight. i will dream about you everynight. i love you boobear." he smiles and kisses me. then responds, "goodbye.......babygirl" i cry and watch as jacob looks at the doctor and nods. she turns the switch and hes gone. i put my hand over his eyes and close them. i just lay there and cry and hold his arm. an hour goes by until i go out into the lobby. i go out with my head down and my backpack in my hand. i look up, drop my backpack, and run up to christofer sobbing in his jacket. he knew by the way i reacted that jacob was gone. he just holds me and says everything is going to be alright promise. alec, nick, and stefan walk up and hold us and put there arms on our shoulders.

the day that was suppose to be the happiest day of my life turned out to be the saddest. and it hurts looking back on it. i lost the love of my life due to a car accident which triggered a heart defect. i miss jacob everyday but the only thing i can do is grow from this tragedy. and thats just what i have done.

RIP Dominic Jacob Hubble.
August 1, 1989 to April 14, 2006


jaimieJUSTIFIED

sterotypes and judgements.

i dont understand why people judge other people even me by what they see us wearing or what moosicccc we are listening to or what brand t-shirt we're wearing. i dont understand this. people dont even know anything about other people and just go off of what they see on myspace or in person. well the sterotypes and judgements need to stop. dont label someone until you know them and even then you shouldnt be labeling them. cause if you dont realize it words hurt. i have four friends that committed suicide because of peoples judgements towards them. so what they are gay. so what they listen to hardcore music. so what they spike there hair, wear extensions. so what guys wear skinny jeans and tight t's. SO FUCKING WHAT! your words can be very ofending and hurtful. your words can lead to people committing suicide or self injury. so stop and think before you say something. you hate the way that girls hair looks or you think that guy in the mall is a poser, keep it to yourself. cause all they are doing is having fun with life and being themselves. whether they're gay and would prefer kissing guys or they wear tight jeans because they like the fit. or that girl wants to wear extensions or dye her hair mulitple colors. it doesnt matter what people look like so stop judging everyone.

what if you were the one people were judging and calling names. what if you were the one in that band that you thought sucked. what if you were the gay one or the one with fake hair. how would you feel then if people were throwing judgements at you or sterotyping you and throwing you in a category. what then?


jaimieJUSTIFIED

a day in a life of jaimieJUSTIFIED,

two days ago my mum came home from work. i was in such a gret mood that day it was kinda weird. well anywho, she told me she was around the corner to come outside and i was like pshh ohk. well i grabbed my purse and went outside, she pulls in i get in the car. we go up to walgreens fill a perscription and iget new eyeliner and nail polish. grr i have needed those two things for like a week now. becuase i have been out. then we drove back up to sonic i got a cherry limeaide and come to find that brandon asked for his job back. it made me laugh.

ohk well lets move forward in time to yesturday August 12, 2009.

i got up in the morning and got ready. we then went up to publix to get vitamin water. and then we headed up to Pine Ridge to go and get my schedule. bleh honors classes bore me. but im lazy so it works out for the better. oh and not to mention if i keep my grades up all next year i am going to be able to take classes next summer at Daytona State for cosmetology. WOOT! so happy. it gives me a reason to keep my grades up.
well after that we went to IOA. it was fun i havent been there in like forever. after that we went to Kohl's and pacsun so i could get more vnecks and skinnies. then we went to this chinese place so i could have sushi. it was really good and im happy. i have been craving sushi for like two weeks now. i guess i really tired myself out though because i actually went to bed and was able to stay asleep. bleh but it turned out i woke up at 4am. gosh if only my sleep pattern could stay on like a tracked schedule.


jaimieJUSTIFIED

OHEMGEE

like seriously is it fucking possible to not be a bitch. just for one minute can you not hate me. just for one second can you not be drunk and reconize what your fucking muttering under your breath. im not some 90 year old woman who is deaf and cant here you. like WHAT THE FUCK. what did i possibly do to her kill her, stab her in the throat like seriously what did i do that could make her hate me so much. absolutely nothing. im just a teen and she hates life and those two things dont go with each other like cheese doesnt go with peanut butter or fuck idk atm. its just so irritating.



jaimieJUSTIFIED

WTF. shes such a bitch.

i have insomnia right. so i would love it that when i actually tryed to get sleep that it wouldnt slam her fucking door at 2:30 in the morning and wake me up. when little things like that wake me up. GRAWR! now i prob wont fall asleep until later this evening. and i fucking have to work later. cutting hair is not a good thing to do when your half asleep. and it sucks because now that im awake i have nothing to do.

im just going to sit on the computer til god knows when and piss her off. i mean WHY THE HELL NOT, right. ha.


jaimieJUSTIFIED

insomnia,

alright so heres the thing. i have insomnia, right. so to me things are more peaceful at night. well they always used to be.

so heres the story because theres a story to everything in my crazy driven life.
everything in my life was fine. insomnia never took over. it never really bothered me because i enjoyed being awake. but since November 2008 all i want to do is sleep. the night pretty much scares me now. its funny how the one thing in your life that used to be so peaceful can become the most scariest thing alive. its almost like a nightmare. now you see in november a little thing called my mum's mother going broke and having to move in with us happened. sure it was all fine at first. it bothered me because what teenager in there right mind wants to live with there grandmother. but other than that it was ohk.

well theres a tiny little problem to it all. my mum's mother is a drunk. now your probably wondering why i say my mum's mother instead of my grandmother, well thats because i pretty much disown her. i never thought in my whole life i would ever disown someone but i guess life isnt always how we imagine.

i will just refer to her as it.

well it moved in and it was a drunk. it gets drunk everynight. thats why ever since november my nights havent been so peaceful. it yells, screams, curses, slams things, gets mad for no reason and the next day plays it off as nothing happened. its so pathetic.

well i disown it. it makes my life miserable.

it is what made cutting so hard to resist after being clean for almost a year. it is what makes me so tense in my own home that my stomach sinks everytime it walks by. im trying to stay clean and keep my mind off it but i dont know how much longer i can take it. its not a healthy living environment. but theres nothing i can do until im eighteen. in my eyes that day april 26, 2012 seems to be getting further and further away. i hope to wake up one day and not be in this environment anymore. i hope for one day to forever be clean and be happy. it will happen eventually.

but for now i can just wait and hope it doesnt get worse. and pray for god to save me.


jaimieJUSTIFIED

500 ways to make me laugh.

i can start by saying this. its the irritating things in this story that make my mind spin out of control. its the very little simple things in this story im about to tell that give me 500 ways to laugh. but just look at it this way, if your expecting a pleasent story dont get your hopes up.

so its starts off as any other story, calm and peaceful, happy and cheerful. on thursday night i spent the night at jess E cuh's house. we stayed up all night just talking about nothing and jumping around like looney's. then we went to sleep. the next morning it was friday. we didnt wake up til noon and when we did wake up there was no one home. her grandad was out golfing, her granmum was at work along with her sister ashley. we checked our myspace's then made something to eat. after that we got ready to go to the mall for the rest of the day. so far, so good. we get to the mall around 1:30 walk around until 3:30 and then go catch a movie at the seminole movie theatre. ha, we saw 500 days of summer. it was a very cute movie. after the movie we went back to her house ate some watermelon and went back to sleep. we were most definitly exhausted. ........"a funny part is coming up.".............

WE DIDNT WAKE UP TIL NINE AT NIGHT! to me it was funny.

once again no one was home. we then ate food and went on myspace and made a funny video.
around 10pm my mum finally picked me up. seeing as how she forgot me. and on the phone she was like i fess i forgot to come get you. i was like how can you forget your own daughter silly goose.

now heres where the story gets a little bumpy.

we get home at around 10:45ish. i was so happy because it was the most fun i have had since i have been ungrounded. i go and unpack my things and put them away, then run a load of laundry. ha, i love doing laundry because while the dryer is on you can sit on it and it makes your butt all warm and stuff. well while i was waiting for my laundry to get done i went on the computer and uploaded some pictures. its about 12:30am now and my mum's mother starts spazzin out. like WHAT THE HELL. she starts yelling at me and getting pissed because i was on the computer. i flat out told her because i was done not standing up for myself when it came to situations like this. i was like listen if i was going to get in trouble dont you think that mum would of come out of her room and deliberately tell me to get off the computer and go to bed. i mean common sense here, DUH! then she like purposely wanted my mum to wake up to hear her yell at me, which btw she wouldnt of yelled at me. so she started slamming her door in my face or every time she left her room then went back in it. and i was like ohk thats real good wake mum up why dont you knowing that it takes forever for her to fall asleep in the first place. yeah thats real smooth. and then i called rebekah and she was like "YOU BETTER GET OFF THE DAMN PHONE RIGHT NOW!" and i was like um excuse me you should mind your own buisness and stay out of mine. i dont need to deal with your bitching right now. so why dont you just go lock yoruself in your room. so thats what she did.

it was a fucking nightmare. like seriously. i dont think i need to deal with that kind of stuff when i come home from being gone for two days. and only being home for like two hours. like are you kidding me.

i just feel better now that i stood my ground and didnt get walked all over like usual.

p.s. dont you just hate when you live with someone that makes you so tense just walking by you that your stomach sinks.


jaimieJUSTIFIED

have you ever felt so alone that you dont know what to do?
well thats how i feel right now. i feel that there is no one to talk to, no one to go to for help, alone to figure it all out on my own. maybe its for the best. but all i know is i hate being alone.

jaimieJUSTIFIED

..........?

the last few days havent been good. sometimes i just feel so alone. almost like there is no way to escape it. i have no one to talk to. well it feels like that anyway. everytime i try and talk to someone, to just get it off my chest they are so judgemental. they think its stupid and i shouldnt worry about it. but it feels like so much more to me. its so hard to wake up in the morning and try and fight it every single day. like deep down in the pit of my stomach something is telling me its your get away. do it, pick up the knife, come on you know you'll feel better in the end. but i try and fight it.

i feel like no one is there to talk to, but when there finally is.........i dont want to talk about it.

i just dont know how to handle this. is there another way. another escape without hurting myself. if there is i need help finding it.



"Self-injury is not something people talk about very often, but for an estimated 2 to 3 million Americans it is a serious problem. The majority of people who self-injure are women between the ages of 13 and 30, but there are "cutters" of every age, gender, and economic group.
People who "self-injure" are not usually suicidal. They do however, intentionally inflict injuries upon themselves, usually in response to stress or trauma. Their injuries may vary from minor cuts that heal quickly to very serious wounds that leave permanent scars."


jaimieJUSTIFIED