this feeling aches so badly inside. the absence of him makes me shiver and gives me chills. icried tonight knowing hes missing and not around. idont know how to handle this weakness; im breaking down. ihave to hold back for him, for everyone, for MYSELF. ishall not let that blade touch my skin and break threw. imust stay strong for him, but not only him but myself. with him not around ifeel that hole stretching bigger in my chest. it hurts, it aches, iscream for help. ijust need him to be around more. isound selfish and im sorry for that but it hurts so badly.

come back to us kyle davis. we all miss you. < / 3

the scene is DEAD!

so when 2010 started iwanted to change everthing ipossibly could about my life. the number 1 thing though that iwanted to change was people's minds. well not necessarily their minds but their thoughts about me! for some odd reason, which idont know why but when people see me they automatically think, "hey look there's jaimieJUSTIFIED or look thats a scene kid." never once have itried to be scene. yeah you may think oh thats a lie because when you think jaimiemarie you think LIAR! idont lie so idont understand why people see me as a liar, they just do iguess and icant change that about them. well honestly the first time someone ever called me a scene kid what my thoughts were because no one ever seems to ask me what iwas thinking, well here it goes.....ihad no idea what the hell a "scene kid" was let alone did ithink iwas one obviously. yeah so what iwear a shit load of eye makeup, iwill agree with you ithink ido because ILIKE IT! cool iwear band tees and skinny jeans. ithink flare pants are ugly ilike SKINNY JEANS! iwear band tees because ilike the band and iwant to promote them! now when it comes to my shoes...............iwear vans. idont know why people think oh scene kid they wear vans because isee just about every person owning at least one pair of vans. but anyways the point of this is to explain that im trying to get rid of my myspace name "jaimieJUSTIFIED" but irealized thats fucking hard to do because thats the name on all my sites. so im pretty much going to find a way to change it or just delete the site.

but iknow for a fact im deleting my tumblr because idislike it!

the end.

updating; since ihavent done that in a while!

it started with sitting around doing nothing. well icant really say nothing because iwas listening to BOTDF and drawing chinese dragons for my art 2-D class, when irealized "hey ihavent blogged in a while." iwent to tumblr to post something when it hit me (smack right in the face) and iwas like WHATTTTT! I DO NOT like tumblr. iprefer posting right here on, blogspot! idont know why, ijust had that thought and was like imust blog this!

so there you go.............idislike tumblr.

anxiety picks up and hallucinations stir

last night was all fine. isat there on my bed reading breaking dawn. isat there taking in everything iwas reading and drawing up images in my head. it was good. but the next thing iknow im asleep.

it scared me so much. iwas terrified and screaming unable to awake from such horror. it comes back to me in bits and pieces, some images being a blur. she seemed more drunk than usual when she pinned me down and started beating at me, her hand in a fist. she punched my ankle numerous times, the pain was agonizing. when she realized it just wouldn’t break she dragged me across the cold hard wood floor to the sliding glass door. she opened the door and placed my ankle in its path, holding my back down with her foot slamming the down shut a number of times. iscreamed and screamed trying to drag myself away to go get the phone in dire need to have my mum rush home or a few police to arrive. she removed her foot from my back and thats when irealized that was my chance. my chance to get to the phone and out of her reach. iknew my ankle was broken, icould feel it throbbing. she noticed iwas trying to escape her grasps when she reached down and grabbed me by the foot that she just slammed in between the back door several times. when she got me to my feet she grabbed me by the arm and rushed me to the kitchen. she had a hot boiling pot of water on the stove with a lid over it. she shoved me to the ground as hard as she could holding me there waiting in anticipation for the pot to boil over and when it did she held my arm there as the water scorched it. itried so hard to wake myself up from this nightmare. icould feel my eyes fluttering but they just wouldn’t open. this nightmare just seemed so real. when ifinally was able to open my eyes every part of my body hurt and istarted crying, shaking back and forth unable to breathe as the panic attack flared up.

she doesn’t live here anymore. she shouldn’t be able to hurt me, right!? ijust want the nightmares to go away!

i

really miss talking to you. imiss how much you made me smile. imiss how much you made me laugh. imiss getting on facebook and you IMing me instantly typing my name in all caps. imiss your advice. imiss the way you used to calm me down when iwas breaking down. imiss you telling me everything about your day. imiss how you used to lick my face through the computer. imiss virtually giving you a redbull. imiss you.

ive been breaking down and your no longer there to talk to. ialmost slipped the other day. and smoked a whole pack. idont blame it on you.. so dont worryyy. ireally wish the stupid fucking ocean wasnt in my way or iwould fly over to you on my private jet plane. ihope everything is alright with you.

theres this absence there that never used to be there. ijust want it to go away!

we

listen to the same moosssiiccc. we dress alike. we taught each other what the true meaning of love is. we have awkward conversations, we have happy conversations, we have the type of conversation where ijust get butterflies in my stomach. we were so attached, we were connected at the hip. we are unconditionally​ and uncontrollably in love with each other.

but as time goes on we learn we will never be together. we both are going our seperate ways. my single lead life and your new girlfriend every two weeks life.


iwill always love you and care for you. but its time for me to move on and realize iwill never be with you. ineed some time to think. ineed some time to let go. ineed time to calculate all of this in my head. just give me that time. ipromise you wont regret it.

ilove you, and good night!

To Write Love On Her Arms: My Story!

ifound out about To Write Love On Her Arms through a couple of friends about a year ago. At the time iwas struggling with the loss of many of my friends. most of them lost their life to addiction and suicide. iwas so filled with emotion icould just crack. it hurt so badly inside to know that the people iloved ever so much were gone, to know iwould never see them again. ididnt know how to deal with the pain so istarted popping my mums pain killers and sleeping for hours, sometimes for days. istarted smoking pot after someone told me it was a get away without actually leaving. isoon had started thinking about suicide. it just seemed like the drugs werent helping and iwas afraid of death even though ididnt want to live anymore. thats when ibrought back an old habit and started to self inflict injury's upon myself again. within two weeks my arms and legs were covered in cuts and scars. for about two months the same routine would happen. iwould wake up in the morning crying, slice my wrist. go to school wearing long sleeves and jackets to cover my wounds. iwould then come home from school still upset over something...everything, then slicing my arm/leg again just watching as the blood would poor. watching my pain leave from my body. ijust felt so alone feeling as if there was no one to talk to. ijust felt like dying.

about six months in of suffering from depression, cutting myself, going in and out of therapy not being able to find the right counselor is when iheard my friends talking about TWLOHA. after hearing about it iwent and looked it up on the social networking site everyone knows: myspace. iread the story which sounded similar in a way to my own. then seeing it spread through music, bands that ihad listened to. irealized then that iwasnt the only one that was going through this. iwasnt the only one suffering with self injury and depression. ifinally was able to open up and start a conversation telling my feelings to someone else. at that point in time ino longer felt alone.

TWLOHA gave me that sign of hope. it showed me i'm not alone in this. that there is a way out. there is a way of coming clean. ifeel that without TWLOHA iprobably would have already committed suicide or OD'd on drugs. istill suffer a little bit with depression but iam no longer cutting myself and ino longer have thoughts of suicide!

TWLOHA helped me, it can help you to.

become apart of the movement. start a conversation! (:

LOVE is the MOVEMENT!